After my run this morning, I sat down on my freshly-vacuumed dorm room floor to stretch out my legs, and I realized something. It’s been over a week since I told someone who I thought was one of my best friends that I couldn’t talk to them anymore, and it’s been the same amount of time since then that I’ve actually communicated with them.
If anyone out there watches Grey’s Anatomy, you’re going to understand this saying… (but don’t worry, I’ll explain it to the best of my abilities.) This person was my person. What I mean by that is I told them everything – if I made a big decision about my life, or something major happened (like when I got my contract for Spirit of Atlanta or I learned that I received the scholarship I needed so I could come to Columbia,) they were the first person that I told. Something didn’t seem real to me until I told them.
We were also always in constant communication. There was hardly a day that went by in three years that we didn’t talk, in fact, I think the longest we went in that three years without communication before this was about a week, so maybe that’s why this feels like such a big deal.
Anyways, I was in my post-run-stretch serenity of peace and bliss (or whatever), and I was thinking about the current week and reflecting back on the past week. And that’s when I realized how nice it was to not be glued to my phone/computer all the time. When I go over to the adjoining room to hang out with my suite mates, I’m no longer bringing my phone over and being half involved in a conversation with them, and half involved in a conversation with my friend across the country. Not only am I more ‘involved’ with my room mates and friends, but I have more energy in general. I’ve got a lot of stuff going on, and I was definitely starting to get burnt out (especially last week,) but it seems more bearable now that I’m focusing more on myself, the immediate people surrounding me, and all the jobs and goals I have to achieve here.
I’m not sure if it’s the same for anyone else, but sometimes, it’s nice to just be texting somebody. To have your phone buzz with the notification of somebody wanting to communicate with you. Maybe I miss that more than who I was talking to. I miss the idea of having somebody to tell everything to. Somebody who doesn’t live close by, who I can shape what I want myself to be maybe more than who I actually am.
It is so nice to be so submerged and present in school right now. I love just talking with my friends and coworkers and not missing anything. I love being able to focus on what I think I need to do, and not what someone else is doing, too. I love having my runs be solely dedicated to me and my mental state instead of worrying about what my friend and I are going to talk about later or how I’m going to tell them something. I feel like I can talk to people easier and not feeling like I’m in some weird long-distance thing. I’m finally getting to experience college as I thought I would – not too attached to anything I was in high school or anyone I was extremely close with in high school (even though I miss so many of my high school friends every day.)
I’m finally learning who I am and what I want to do and what I can do… and it’s a really, really good feeling. I’ve finally cut some strings that were fraying in my life, and I don’t think I’ve been this happy in a very long time.